If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive.— Mother Theresa
Dear nephew,
If the break up is inevitable for whatever reason, I’m sorry. It’s the worst pain you are likely to feel at this stage of your life. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad, and it’s completely normal to want to do nothing but sleep and mope for a few days. You will feel disoriented and unsure of how to speak with others about it. How do we channel this negativity into something positive? The first thing is to ask someone you love to sit and speak with you about it. Your father would be ideal, but someone older that you admire can help also. After a proper conversation about what happened, ask him to help you stay socially busy. Staying socially active will be important after those first few days of lethargy. During the times when you aren’t hanging out with friends (both old and new) make sure that you stay busy trying to make money or learning a new skill or hobby that can make you money in the future. This is a tangible, intentional way of turning the negative energy you will have into something positive. One you establish a new routine (which should take a few weeks), you need to take some time and remember what you loved about your ex-girlfriend. Writing it down always helps. Be as detailed as possible. Cultivate a feeling of gratitude for the time you spent together. There is no point in trying to forget someone you loved, because it’s not possible, but hopefully soon her memory will create positive feelings rather than pure pain. What were your happiest moments with her? Why? What was her contribution to those moments, and what was yours? When you have reviewed the entire relationship and felt grateful for all the good to the point where her memory isn’t purely painful, now is the time to review what went wrong. It is best not to dwell on the negative for too long, but it is important to do it while the memories are still fresh. Your goal is to find two or three things that you did wrong. We want to learn from our mistakes. After you have done this, find one thing that she objectively should have done better. To find these, it will be helpful to sit down once again with someone you respect and who loves you (like your father or mother) and go through the things you did wrong and what you believe she did wrong. You want to focus more on what you can control: yourself, not other people. However, it’s still valuable to consider what your ex did wrong, as this will help you identify possible red flags with other women in the future. Everyone is different, but it has been my experience that you can know the gist of what someone is like very quickly. Best to learn how to tell if a woman is likely to disrespect you or bring negativity into your life. Experience is the only way to learn to read people. Once these internal tasks have been accomplished—feeling the pain, finding new and productive routines, reviewing what made you grateful in the relationship, reviewing your mistakes, and seeing what her fault in the break up was—now is the moment when you can reach out to your ex and see how she is doing, if that’s something that you desire. If you behaved well with her, you shouldn’t be ashamed to talk with her again, especially if you guys live near each other or run in the same social circles. This should only happen after those tasks are done, however, which should take at least a month. The possibility of a casual friendship shouldn’t be out of the question, but a deep, close friendship is not possible. You need to move on and be able to find your future wife, and constantly hanging out with someone you used to love (and secretly could still love) will prevent this from happening. This is the material of romance novels, television sitcoms, and love stories the world round. Believe me, it can be tempting to want to enter into a long, prolonged drama. The ups and downs, the inner elation and turmoil, the constant thinking of the beloved, the dramatic stories you can tell your friends and family… it can all be very alluring. There’s a reason why those movies and novels sell so well. Don’t fall for that trap. Real life is not like the movies, and you would be wasting a lot of time and money in order to keep that drama going. Move on. Should God open a door for you two to be together again, He will make it clear. For now, simply be grateful for what you had, learn from the mistakes, and move on to find your wife. You will be a better man for it.
Your affectionate uncle,
Tio Edwin